An Exotic Crocodile Nicknamed “Michael Jackson” Just Killed A Guy Because He Could

I feel like every community, city, or state has it’s own animal folk talk. Remember in “Grumpier Old Men” there was that huge fish “Catfish Hunter” that they always wanted to reel in but ultimately release? Scotland has the Lochness Monster, America has Bigfoot, Australia has…..”Michael Jackson”. Michael Jackson was the nickname given to a rare Pale headed crocodile. Everyone in the North of Australia new about this thing.  He had a Pale head and dark body, so they figured Michael Jackson was an awesome name.

Now “Michael Jackson” couldn’t moon walk, he couldn’t sing, he didn’t have an amusement park in his swamp with an inviting ferris wheel for children , but he made up for all that by doing the One thing he could do…..absolutely fuck shit up. Scientists from across Australia knew about him, locals respected his gangster, tour guides knew not to test him…and yet this poor middle aged guy had to be a hero and go into the water after sundown when his fishing line got tangled. I wouldn’t jump into that river for my own Mother knowing there’s a 10% chance Michael Jackson is out there. I’m just trying to understand this guys calculus and what went through his head. You’re going to risk your life for a tangled fishing line knowing there’s a crocodile out there named Michael Jackson with a White head and Black body, missing Two legs and a giant scar across his belly? You know why he’s missing legs and has a scar across his belly? He’s the baddest motherfucker on the river that’s why! Michael Jackson is the dude in the back of the bar telling stories to locals about bar fights, one night stands, Vietnam, and midnight games of Russian Roulette with Two bullets in the chamber just to make it interesting. Of all the crocs in Australia you go and test Michael Jackson bro??? And you’ve got your wife with you! She doesn’t need to see that shit. Just reckless. After looking at the photo of this thing I wouldn’t even be in the same area code as him, let alone the same river. No chance. And yes that’s a real picture of Michael Jackson aka the first ingredient in a nightmare.

Original link:

http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/19/world/asia/australia-crocodile-attack/index.html?hpt=hp_t4

Whatever You Do Don’t Die In Hamilton County Ohio

Kenneth Douglas really really really loved going to work but that’s not the problem. The problem is that Kenneth Douglas loved booze and crack. Booze and Crack are a serious problem for Kenneth Douglas because after Kenneth Douglas drinks booze and smokes crack Kenneth Douglas likes to have sex with dead Women.

Key detail: Kenneth Douglas worked  as an Ohio morgue attendant for 16 years.

This guy had sex with 100 dead female bodies. 100. This wasn’t  an isolated incident ( Not that I’d be ok with that) of a drunk dude out of his mind and on drugs, we’re talking about a solid routine: Pack a lunch/ Charge the cell phone/Put gas in the car/ Smoke crack & get wasted/ Go to work/Bang dead girls. Not just ordinary dead girls either, we’re talking about people who suffered horrible endings, roof fall victims, murder victims, all sorts of awful stuff.  He totally blames it all on crack and booze, making the case that if he went to work sober, it wouldn’t happen, only on those “other nights”.  Great defense man. Solid.

“Douglas’ wife testified in a deposition that he reeked of sex when she picked him up from work. She said she called the coroner’s office and reported him, but the morgue supervisor told her to stop calling.”

The Wife is almost as crazy as he is. Your husband is coming home smelling like sex and booze when you pick him up from work and all you do is call up his job and bitch about it and stay married to the guy? What could she possibly have hoped to accomplish with these complaints to his supervisors? I’m curious how many of these phone calls have been placed by angry wives across America? Can you imagine the wife of a bartender calling up the owner: ” Yeah Steve, I just wanted to call and let YOU know that Bob came home smelling like pussy and beer!” The only response Mrs. Douglas got was “Whatever happens on county time and on county property is county business”. Let’s be clear here, everyone he worked with likely knew this was going on and was rightfully terrified and feared for their life.  In this kind of situation you call in an anonymous tip, then you buy a plane ticket and get your ass to Oregon and spend rest of your days working in a Whole Foods under a false identity wearing a fake nose. Every day when you wake up in morning you pray “today” isn’t “the day”.  You just hope he never finds you.  Apparently the county has been reprimanded and sued on Four different occasions for not securing bodies, so that can’t be comforting for residents either.

 

 

Original Link:

http://www.wcpo.com/news/local-news/court-oks-trial-in-hamilton-county-corpse-abuse-lawsuit

 Also check out new piece on killer crocodile nicknamed “Michael Jackson”:  https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/08/21/an-exotic-crocodile-nicknamed-michael-jackson-just-killed-a-guy-because-he-could/

 

Would You Drown In Shit For Your Wifes Phone? This Chinese Dude Says 100% . He’s Dead Now.

I‘ve been a little hard on Japan in a few of my posts, so in the interest of fairness I’m going to pick on China now. China is one of those places where life is cheap, so not much surprises me when it comes to crazy China stories. Lead contaminated toys for kids, toxic Dog treats for pets, gas masks to walk outside, they’ve got it all. Just when the Chinese couldn’t show any less regard for their own safety they go and top themselves. That’s why I love you China, you keep me on my toes.

China just outdid itself with this guy. His wife drops her phone in the toilet and he decides he’s going to get it for her. Before I go further, I need to point out how awesome it is some Chinese woman had her phone while using the toilet. This shows there is in fact hope for a peaceful coexistence between our nations. They’re just like us. The Chinese are just as incapable of shitting without their phone as we Americans are. Now, when you think “No big deal she dropped it in the toilet”, consider that we aren’t talking about some standard toilet, we’re talking about one of those Slumdog Millionaire style shit boxes. An “Open Pit” toilet. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. He leaned in to find the phone but never had a chance, he was no match for the stench. This guy passed out from the smell and fell in. Then his mother, yes, his mother, went in for him. Would your mother dive into a pool of diarrhea for you? Don’t kid yourself, love has limits…except in China. To top it off, Six other people jumped in after them.

The kid in Slumdog Millionaire gets a pass because he dove in to retrieve an autograph of his idol, a prized possession. The little kid in Schindlers List hid in a shit box because Nazis were after him, he gets a pass, no question. A $320 phone? No way man, it’s just not happening, I don’t care if my wife is Bar Rafaeli or Selenza Gomez. Tell you what though, Charles Darwin was definitely onto something.

http://nypost.com/2014/06/08/two-die-in-toilet-while-looking-for-dropped-cell-phone/

http://fox6now.com/2014/06/09/two-dead-several-injured-after-woman-drops-phone-into-toilet/

 

 

 

 

Game Of Thrones Summed Up In Paint Part VII

 

ALSO CHECK OUT: https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/japan-is-currently-swept-up-in-national-obsession-with-photos-of-hamster-ass/

Sex Horse Is Coming For Your Wife And There’s Nothing You Can Do

Do you love your wife? If you answered “Yes” then you’d be wise pay very close attention to this photo and take a long hard look at that face. Why? It’s the face of the guy who’s going to fuck your wife right out from under you. Sex Horse.  Remember his luxurious dirty Blonde mane…. it’s the mane that will turn your wedding vows to ashes. He’s banned from traveling to Belgium, a married woman sharing a simple gaze with him will get her stoned to death for adultery in Saudi Arabia, he wrecked several Hollywood  marriages and ghost wrote an album for R  Kelly. He lives in world of secrets, mostly sexual ones.

During the day society looks down on him, he’s a horse. What’s the highlight of his day, consuming agriculture, getting verbally abused by drunken farmers, being fitted with metallic shoes against his will? However, he’s more than happy to endure such treatment since he knows the night belongs to him and so does your wife. While you’re boarding that late night flight on business, he’s doing his grocery shopping. Shopping is easy for him since his list has just 3 things on it: 1) Condoms 2) Pantene Pro-V 2 in 1 Shampoo/Conditioner 3) Can of Red Bull.

He’s the Fabio of the animal kingdom, galloping about with that quiet confidence and only one thing on his mind. You might not hesitate to introduce him to your wife at a cocktail party, but you’d simply be making the same mistake made by many men that came before you. Once she looks into his eyes, she belongs to him. You stand zero chance against his blank stare, natural muscular definition, perfect hair, and sexual mechanics. To make matters worse, you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you were taking care of business he’d be out of business. He listens to your wife read her stupid poems to him, the ones that you don’t have time for. He DVR’s the Real Housewives Reunion so they can compare notes, not because he gives a shit, but because he knows he’s going to star in “50 Shades Of Neyyyyyyyyy” once you leave the fucking house for your kids softball game. When he told you he couldn’t play poker because he was playing tennis with a friend, the “friend” was your wife and the “tennis” was acrobatic marathon sex. Not only does he know what she wants before you do, he knows what she wants before she does. Take her for granted at your own peril for she is yours only while she isn’t his.

Sex Horse spent years in the barn just studying the Kama Sutra, lifting weights, and memorizing dialogue from every romantic comedy of the 1990s. He taught himself how to play the violin at age 4 because he was bored. When he comes walking down a suburban street, your street perhaps, the tapping of his shoes on the concrete is all it takes to bring the ladies out so fast you’d think the ice cream man was passing an elementary school. It’s not a matter of fairness, it’s just how Sex Horse lives. On any given night, if the air pressure is low, the oceans are calm, the crickets are quiet,  maybe…..just maybe….you can hear Sex Horse having a smash-a-thon. Think twice before you mock him gentlemen.

There are two types of wives in this world, the ones who’ve been banged by Sex Horse and the ones who are going to be banged by Sex Horse.

 ALSO CHECK OUT: https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/japan-has-a-penis-festival-parade-because-of-course-it-does/

Jenga Cat Can Take Anyone Anywhere Anytime

Jenga Cat is to Jenga what Bobby Fisher was to Chess. Period. End of story. This cat not only knows how to play Jenga, he’s extremely aggressive. None of that safe piece bullshit, he goes right for the bottom and does it without breaking a sweat. Now look, I haven’t played Jenga since Bill Clinton was President, but I know a master when I see one. Jenga requires an individual who can play fearless, you need COMPLETE control over your body and mind.  I’ve seen Jenga make cowards of the bravest of men and this cat comes in and just says “Fuck it I’ll take the most dangerous piece in this bitch and politely wait my turn even though you took two turns like a punk”.

Just imagine the possibilities. We’re only getting a glimpse into this dudes world. He lives with this cat who’s a champion Jenga player, but I want to know what else this cat can do. I’m not even joking at this point. If he can be trained to play Jenga like a gentleman with another human, then I’m all in. This guy should be arrested and interrogated until he explains how he trained this thing. This Cat probably does his taxes and is his designated driver after karaoke night. Who knows, maybe he can be used to further the human cause. I’m not saying I’d trust this cat to perform non invasive knee surgery on me, but I’d let him give me directions on vacation or fix me a drink.

 

Japan Has A Penis Festival Parade…Because Of Course It Does

The last piece on the Japanese Hamster craze was mostly well received, yet some claimed it was mocking and in bad taste. Why you would come to this blog for political correctness as opposed to MSNBC is baffling. Japanese people are taking photos of the rear ends of Hamsters and sharing them with the world and I’m supposed to not write about it? I’ll make a deal with you guys, I’ll stop writing crazy Japanese stories when Japan stops giving me a reason to write them. However, the prospects for that happening in the near future are quite poor.

If you told me that two days after writing a story about a Japanese Hamster craze I’d come across a story about a Japanese penis festival, I’d say you were fucking with me…..but I’d be wrong. There is in fact 100% a Japanese penis worshiping festival, with a massive parade, ceremonies, and all sorts of entertainment. So what am I supposed to do? I just pretend I don’t know this exists and go on doing Game Of Thrones recaps in Microsoft Paint and writing satire about spoiled rabbits and racist soccer coaches??? 

In a nutshell (No pun intended) this festival is called Kanamara Matsuri  (“Festival of the Steel Phallus”).  According to wikipedia :

“The Kanamara Matsuri is centered around a local penis-venerating shrine once popular among prostitutes who wished to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases.^[6] It is said that there are also divine protections for business prosperity and for the clan’s prosperity; and for easy delivery, marriage, and married-couple harmony. There is also a legend of a sharp-toothed demon (vagina dentata) that hid inside the vagina of a young woman and castrated two young men on their wedding nights.^[7] As a result, the young woman sought help from a blacksmith, who fashioned an iron phallus to break the demon’s teeth, which led to the enshrinement of the item.^[8]”

Got all that folks? So we’ve got a shrine to a steel penis that broke the teeth of a demon inside a vagina, a penis that slayed a vagina monster. The footage from the festival is nuts. They’ve got tourists in penis hats, penis lollipops, there’s wooden penis benches, penis songs,  penis statues, anything you can imagine really just add a penis. Remember when you were a little kid at Disney World and there were people walking around dressed up like Mickey Mouse? They have something similar, but instead of Daffy Duck it’s a dick. Long story short, if you’re traveling in Japan during the month of April and are looking for the Woodstock of penis, boy have you come to the right place!

I’m not mean spirited, I write with zero malice in my heart, but I’ll be damned if I miss a chance to write about a Japanese penis parade. Ball is in your court Japan, your move.

 

Additional photos on Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/04/07/japans-penis-festival-kanamara-matsuri-pictures_n_5104065.html

ALSO CHECK OUT:https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/japan-is-currently-swept-up-in-national-obsession-with-photos-of-hamster-ass/

 

 

 

Japan Is Currently Swept Up In National Obsession With Photos Of Hamster Ass

Let’s be honest, the Japanese have always been a little out there. Whether it’s Nazi concentration camp themed bars or their crazy sadomasochistic game shows, we know how it goes down in Japan. Therefore it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Japan is currently caught up in Hamster ass fever. Yes,  the Japanese are hypnotized by the rear ends of Hamsters.

Japanese citizens are taking photos of Hamsters in a variety of positions as well as placing them in all sorts of locations, using a million different props, then sending them to each other. If you can think of it, they’ve got a Hamster with his ass sticking out of it, on it, in it or with it. This thing can go on forever and may have a longer shelf life than the disco craze of the 70’s, mainly because there’s no limit to where you can place a Hamster. They’ve got them climbing into mini pumpkins, on top of teddy bears, in hands, and on tables etc etc etc. This has even inspired a Facebook page called “Hameketsu” ( Japanese for Hamster rear end) as well as a book.

Think about that, demand and interest regarding photos of Hamster butts is great enough to warrant making a book. One guy even sent in a video of a hamster eating a noodle while the theme song to the movie “Police Academy” played in the background. We’re talking about an all out-no holds barred-gloves off Hamster ass worship fiesta. I don’t know if it’s the radiation from the Fukishima reactor or the two big ones we dropped during WW2, but clearly this country has lost control of it’s mind.

https://www.facebook.com/hamu.ketsu

 

ALSO CHECK OUT THE INFAMOUS SEX HORSE: https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/sex-horse-is-coming-for-your-wife-and-theres-nothing-you-can-do/

 

 

This One Village Provides India With All It’s Doormen/Bouncers

Just outside Dehli in a small village in India, one man runs a community where everyone has only one thing on their mind….become a bouncer. He’s basically training a super army of Indian bouncers up in the hills.

While India goes about it’s business, these guys are running around blind folded karate kicking each other, climbing ropes in their fucking underwear, wrestling each other for hours, non stop combat and conditioning. I don’t know what you ate for breakfast but I know what these guys ate…same thing they ate for lunch….same thing they ate for dinner. 100 gallons of milk, 10 sticks of butter, 100 lbs of meat, and about 50 apples. While people in India are going to the market, doing their thing, these guys are up in the hills punching each other in the face and doing  wheelbarrow races in thong bikinis. One bouncer reflected on the Indian bouncer struggle: “Sometimes people get drunk and abuse us. They come from influential families and it becomes very difficult to control them. Then we must use force” 

When a young boy in India comes to the conclusion his destiny is to be a bouncer, he goes straight to this village for monk like isolation. Reminds me of Batman Begins when Christian Bale is living in the frozen mountains being trained by the League Of Shadows and Liam Neeson.

If  the films Slumdog Millionaire and Roadhouse had a baby, this clip would be it:

 

ALSO CHECK OUT: https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/04/29/this-romanian-soccer-team-owner-makes-donald-sterling-look-like-a-civil-rights-activist/

 

 

 

 

Just In Case There’s A Single Person On This Earth Who Hasn’t Seen “Bane Cat”

Bane Cat is an instant Youtube  Masterpiece. No debate. No questions asked.

 

 

Also check out:

https://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/04/17/america-is-secretly-obsessed-with-feet-and-its-terrifying/