According To This Study…..British Women Are Savages In Hygiene Department

From the beginning of time, Men have always been regarded as the slobs, the pigs, the Ones who need to be told to take out the trash and iron our shirts. Much of that is true. That’s as good as it gets for the ladies in this piece. A new study and some surveys are about to turn conventional wisdom on it’s head. Brace yourself…..

After all that talk from Women about cleanliness, order, and hygiene…..they’re secretly more barbaric than us.

Let’s break the data down piece by piece:

“…Only 21 per cent of females take the time to shower or have a bath every day, with 33 per cent admitting to leaving it as long as three days from wash to wash?” ” Four out of five women admit they don’t shower every day, and a third say they can go for three days without washing their body.”

Think about that. I’ve never gone 3 days without a shower….EVER. Men are always honest with each other, so if a buddy had in fact gone 3 days, that’s something we would brag about to each other simply for the story. Never heard of any guys going  that long in my circle. Some Women will pounce and say “Oh, what about when you’ve been trashed?” Nope! I’m so dedicated to showering that I’ve literally blacked out in the shower after a night out, once I passed out after turning the water on but didn’t make it in. If anything, that shows that my last act before losing control of my motor skills/ my  state of consciousness was to get clean or die trying.

“Sixty three per cent admit to not removing makeup before going to sleep after a night out, with 35 per cent of those citing time as the reason.”

Look, some sympathy here….they do it to look good. I get that another part of that is to look good for dudes, so again, I’ll go easy here. It’s flattering that Women cake on all sorts of toxic/skin drying substances all over their face just for us. They could care less about the toxicity or the 20 bunnies that got blinded to test the shit out, they’re completely devoted to the glamor game. Here is where I have a problem….

“The fear of having to get up in the morning means they get straight into bed and don’t have time to waste washing off the night’s excess.”

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!! I’m sure no man has ever worried about waking up early or had a job to go to in the morning right? Let me tell you something, I don’t know a single guy walking this earth that would ever come home with his face painted like a clown and just dive into bed like it’s all good. Just own it, be honest, you’re lazy just like Men are and you want to go to bed.  We sometimes fall asleep on the couch in our clothes after a night out with chicken gravy on our shirts, but we own it, we don’t say we were afraid of getting up early. And this next Ones speaks for itself….

“And a shocking one in three have gone as long as three days without washing or wiping their face or body at all” 

“Similarly 89 per cent said they would like to improve their body hygiene but blame evening and morning tiredness for their lack of showers or baths. “

Not even a wipe with a napkin or wet wipe? This speaks for itself.

To all our fellow Men in Britain, don’t ever let them call you a slob and if they give you slack about falling asleep with One shoe on and a full beer in your hand, just tell them you were scared of being tired in the morning. You’re not fooling anyone with that tea at noon by Big Ben with your fancy sunhats on.


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A difficult, yet necessary part of friendship is preventing our friends from engaging in destructive/awkward/illegal behavior that could potentially ruin their lives. Maybe you have to stop a friend from stalking some girl, no matter how convinced he is that he’s “Just loving her from a distance”. Other times you may have to drag him out of the bar before the Suge Knight looking dude he just challenged to a brawl takes him up on his offer. It’s just part of life. I have no doubt that President Obama genuinely cares about Vice President Biden, they’re clearly very good friends. We know they’re boys, we know they spend tons of time together, so what is Obama waiting for? Mr.President, you need to sit Biden down and just get this shit over with. You take him in a room and just rip the band aid off. Look him right in the eyes and say “Joe, look…frankly you’re scaring the shit out of everyone.” Biden can’t help himself, he has to touch, whisper, and close-talk at all costs. “Oh, you’re a biker, that’s cool. I’m going to just sit next to you and freak on your biker wife briefly while whispering names of BBQ restaurants that may or may not be code for biker sex positions.” I think Biden is a great guy and his creepy whisper-shoulder touch game is a proper. Unfortunately, I think it’s a little toooooooo proper for some people.








And when he’s not creepin’….






All this work means….





Don’t Ever Question Mississippi’s Faith In God….EVER! No license? No Problem. True Believers Answer To A Higher DMV

It’s already hard enough to distinguish between headlines from The Onion and actual news coming out of the South regarding laws. We have Alabama encouraging people to bring their guns to work, but they made up for it by requiring a permit to fire a missile ( Not joking, see South Carolina Code Of Laws SECTION 23-33-20). Kentucky has no issue with people bringing guns into church. The list could go on for months, but I want to focus on this new One. I have to just sit back and respect the complete disregard for human life from people who I assume often claim to value it. We’re talking about a whole new level of eat cat food for dinner-smear shit on the walls-choke a stripper in broad daylight level of craziness. Yes, I’m talking about what some Republicans jokingly called the “Let Jesus Take The Wheel Act”.

The House Of Representatives passed H.B 132 and it awaits approval from Senate. The bill would allow church groups to avoid the inconvenience of having it’s van/bus drivers from passing a CDL test. Makes total sense because when you’re on a bus with 30 other souls going 60 mph down a highway are you really wasting time worrying about whether the driver has poor hearing/vision/motor skills? I know I’m not, I’ve got more important shit to do, like saying my prayers. The term “Van” is misleading because let’s be honest, a lot of these groups out there are traveling by bus, so you would potentially have an enormous vehicle being driven by someone who isn’t trained to operate it, aside from the usual risks of bad vision or judgement. I also want to clarify that this WILL apply to vehicles that carry children and includes vans that transport to youth camps. Hey, if it’s Gods will for unqualified people to operate large vehicles and endanger everyone else on the road, instead of people getting caught up in the red-tape of safety regulations, who am I to bitch?



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Also check out a classic that pissed off the “Foot Community”:


Woman Brings Her “Therapy” Kangaroo To McDonalds, Trouble Follows

Before I address this, I need to be up front about my long held desire to obtain a pet Kangaroo. I’ve spent years fantasizing about how awesome it would be to have a pet Kangaroo, anyone who knows me can back me up. I’ve scoured black market sites,  Craigslist, corrupt zookeepers on the internet, you name it. I completely get the lure of having a pet Roo.

Ok, we’re done with the full disclosure part of this piece. So many issues with this story to address….


#1- I‘m sympathetic to the whole “Therapy Companion” angle, I really am. However, this woman needs to consider the gravity of the situation. This is McDonald’s in Wisconsin where the staff is probably ready for wild shit to go down at any moment to begin with! You’re just going to roll in with a young Kangaroo dressed like fucking Paddington Bear and then act surprised when people are nervous? Me personally, I could care less I’d buy him a drink, but this is the Midwest, people aren’t ready for a Kangaroo ordering off the dollar menu. They can barely handle Two Women/Dudes holding hands.

#2- Apparently people complained and had the police called. There’s no mention of the animal misbehaving or getting out of line in the place. To start, it’s McDonald’s, are you really going to tell me that this Kangaroo was the worst thing to happen to them? Over the years, look back on how many scumbags, barbarians, homeless people, drug addicts, and washed up celebs have strolled into McDonald’s. You have to be a real douche to complain about a Kangaroo in a sweater and diaper minding his own business….especially when the lady shows her doctors note. This lady takes him to the movies! If he can sit through Taken 3 and not bother anyone you’re telling me he cant sit in the booth next to you while you eat your MSG laced Fries and GMO Big Mac????

#3- The irony here is that while the Americans With Disabilities Act says service animals are limited to Dogs and “Miniature Horses”, Wisconsin is known to make exceptions for “Other” animals. So you can bring a mini-horse into a place, but not a mild mannered Kangaroo in a diaper?

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An Exotic Crocodile Nicknamed “Michael Jackson” Just Killed A Guy Because He Could

I feel like every community, city, or state has it’s own animal folk talk. Remember in “Grumpier Old Men” there was that huge fish “Catfish Hunter” that they always wanted to reel in but ultimately release? Scotland has the Lochness Monster, America has Bigfoot, Australia has…..”Michael Jackson”. Michael Jackson was the nickname given to a rare Pale headed crocodile. Everyone in the North of Australia new about this thing.  He had a Pale head and dark body, so they figured Michael Jackson was an awesome name.

Now “Michael Jackson” couldn’t moon walk, he couldn’t sing, he didn’t have an amusement park in his swamp with an inviting ferris wheel for children , but he made up for all that by doing the One thing he could do…..absolutely fuck shit up. Scientists from across Australia knew about him, locals respected his gangster, tour guides knew not to test him…and yet this poor middle aged guy had to be a hero and go into the water after sundown when his fishing line got tangled. I wouldn’t jump into that river for my own Mother knowing there’s a 10% chance Michael Jackson is out there. I’m just trying to understand this guys calculus and what went through his head. You’re going to risk your life for a tangled fishing line knowing there’s a crocodile out there named Michael Jackson with a White head and Black body, missing Two legs and a giant scar across his belly? You know why he’s missing legs and has a scar across his belly? He’s the baddest motherfucker on the river that’s why! Michael Jackson is the dude in the back of the bar telling stories to locals about bar fights, one night stands, Vietnam, and midnight games of Russian Roulette with Two bullets in the chamber just to make it interesting. Of all the crocs in Australia you go and test Michael Jackson bro??? And you’ve got your wife with you! She doesn’t need to see that shit. Just reckless. After looking at the photo of this thing I wouldn’t even be in the same area code as him, let alone the same river. No chance. And yes that’s a real picture of Michael Jackson aka the first ingredient in a nightmare.


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Whatever You Do Don’t Die In Hamilton County Ohio

Kenneth Douglas really really really loved going to work but that’s not the problem. The problem is that Kenneth Douglas loved booze and crack. Booze and Crack are a serious problem for Kenneth Douglas because after Kenneth Douglas drinks booze and smokes crack Kenneth Douglas likes to have sex with dead Women.

Key detail: Kenneth Douglas worked  as an Ohio morgue attendant for 16 years.

This guy had sex with 100 dead female bodies. 100. This wasn’t  an isolated incident ( Not that I’d be ok with that) of a drunk dude out of his mind and on drugs, we’re talking about a solid routine: Pack a lunch/ Charge the cell phone/Put gas in the car/ Smoke crack & get wasted/ Go to work/Bang dead girls. Not just ordinary dead girls either, we’re talking about people who suffered horrible endings, roof fall victims, murder victims, all sorts of awful stuff.  He totally blames it all on crack and booze, making the case that if he went to work sober, it wouldn’t happen, only on those “other nights”.  Great defense man. Solid.

“Douglas’ wife testified in a deposition that he reeked of sex when she picked him up from work. She said she called the coroner’s office and reported him, but the morgue supervisor told her to stop calling.”

The Wife is almost as crazy as he is. Your husband is coming home smelling like sex and booze when you pick him up from work and all you do is call up his job and bitch about it and stay married to the guy? What could she possibly have hoped to accomplish with these complaints to his supervisors? I’m curious how many of these phone calls have been placed by angry wives across America? Can you imagine the wife of a bartender calling up the owner: ” Yeah Steve, I just wanted to call and let YOU know that Bob came home smelling like pussy and beer!” The only response Mrs. Douglas got was “Whatever happens on county time and on county property is county business”. Let’s be clear here, everyone he worked with likely knew this was going on and was rightfully terrified and feared for their life.  In this kind of situation you call in an anonymous tip, then you buy a plane ticket and get your ass to Oregon and spend rest of your days working in a Whole Foods under a false identity wearing a fake nose. Every day when you wake up in morning you pray “today” isn’t “the day”.  You just hope he never finds you.  Apparently the county has been reprimanded and sued on Four different occasions for not securing bodies, so that can’t be comforting for residents either.



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 Also check out new piece on killer crocodile nicknamed “Michael Jackson”:


Would You Drown In Shit For Your Wifes Phone? This Chinese Dude Says 100% . He’s Dead Now.

I‘ve been a little hard on Japan in a few of my posts, so in the interest of fairness I’m going to pick on China now. China is one of those places where life is cheap, so not much surprises me when it comes to crazy China stories. Lead contaminated toys for kids, toxic Dog treats for pets, gas masks to walk outside, they’ve got it all. Just when the Chinese couldn’t show any less regard for their own safety they go and top themselves. That’s why I love you China, you keep me on my toes.

China just outdid itself with this guy. His wife drops her phone in the toilet and he decides he’s going to get it for her. Before I go further, I need to point out how awesome it is some Chinese woman had her phone while using the toilet. This shows there is in fact hope for a peaceful coexistence between our nations. They’re just like us. The Chinese are just as incapable of shitting without their phone as we Americans are. Now, when you think “No big deal she dropped it in the toilet”, consider that we aren’t talking about some standard toilet, we’re talking about one of those Slumdog Millionaire style shit boxes. An “Open Pit” toilet. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. He leaned in to find the phone but never had a chance, he was no match for the stench. This guy passed out from the smell and fell in. Then his mother, yes, his mother, went in for him. Would your mother dive into a pool of diarrhea for you? Don’t kid yourself, love has limits…except in China. To top it off, Six other people jumped in after them.

The kid in Slumdog Millionaire gets a pass because he dove in to retrieve an autograph of his idol, a prized possession. The little kid in Schindlers List hid in a shit box because Nazis were after him, he gets a pass, no question. A $320 phone? No way man, it’s just not happening, I don’t care if my wife is Bar Rafaeli or Selenza Gomez. Tell you what though, Charles Darwin was definitely onto something.





Sex Horse Is Coming For Your Wife And There’s Nothing You Can Do


Do you love your wife? If you answered “Yes” then you’d be wise pay very close attention to this photo and take a long hard look at that face. Why? It’s the face of the guy who’s going to fuck your wife right out from under you. Sex Horse.  Remember his luxurious dirty Blonde mane…. it’s the mane that will turn your wedding vows to ashes. He’s banned from traveling to Belgium, a married woman sharing a simple gaze with him will get her stoned to death for adultery in Saudi Arabia, he wrecked several Hollywood  marriages and ghost wrote an album for R  Kelly. He lives in world of secrets, mostly sexual ones.

During the day society looks down on him, he’s a horse. What’s the highlight of his day, consuming agriculture, getting verbally abused by drunken farmers, being fitted with metallic shoes against his will? However, he’s more than happy to endure such treatment since he knows the night belongs to him and so does your wife. While you’re boarding that late night flight on business, he’s doing his grocery shopping. Shopping is easy for him since his list has just 3 things on it: 1) Condoms 2) Pantene Pro-V 2 in 1 Shampoo/Conditioner 3) Can of Red Bull.

He’s the Fabio of the animal kingdom, galloping about with that quiet confidence and only one thing on his mind. You might not hesitate to introduce him to your wife at a cocktail party, but you’d simply be making the same mistake made by many men that came before you. Once she looks into his eyes, she belongs to him. You stand zero chance against his blank stare, natural muscular definition, perfect hair, and sexual mechanics. To make matters worse, you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you were taking care of business he’d be out of business. He listens to your wife read her stupid poems to him, the ones that you don’t have time for. He DVR’s the Real Housewives Reunion so they can compare notes, not because he gives a shit, but because he knows he’s going to star in “50 Shades Of Neyyyyyyyyy” once you leave the fucking house for your kids softball game. When he told you he couldn’t play poker because he was playing tennis with a friend, the “friend” was your wife and the “tennis” was acrobatic marathon sex. Not only does he know what she wants before you do, he knows what she wants before she does. Take her for granted at your own peril for she is yours only while she isn’t his.

Sex Horse spent years in the barn just studying the Kama Sutra, lifting weights, and memorizing dialogue from every romantic comedy of the 1990s. He taught himself how to play the violin at age 4 because he was bored. When he comes walking down a suburban street, your street perhaps, the tapping of his shoes on the concrete is all it takes to bring the ladies out so fast you’d think the ice cream man was passing an elementary school. It’s not a matter of fairness, it’s just how Sex Horse lives. On any given night, if the air pressure is low, the oceans are calm, the crickets are quiet,  maybe…..just maybe….you can hear Sex Horse having a smash-a-thon. Think twice before you mock him gentlemen.

There are two types of wives in this world, the ones who’ve been banged by Sex Horse and the ones who are going to be banged by Sex Horse.