Chaos in Ukraine. Mideast tensions. Iranian nuclear standoff. Putin on the march. Economy limping along. In times like these, we need to think outside the box. I’ll often catch myself thinking of endless scenarios and ideas but then I stop and just smile because I know I’m kidding myself. I already know the answer. There’s only one man who can fix all this and that man is Ellis Dewald, the bad guy from Beverly Hills Cop III.
This wouldn’t be permanent, just a short term emergency administration that would dissolve once things are fixed. The Dewald choice isn’t without controversy, yet even his negatives are positives. The guy ran a counterfeiting operation inside the family amusement park Wonder World and used it as front to launder dirty money from various criminal enterprises. Morally wrong? Absolutely. Ethical? No chance. Creative and ambitious? You bet your ass! A go getter in every sense. Getting chased by Axel Foley after killing his Captain, he worried? Never blinks, never wavers, and on top of it he throws one of his own dudes out of the speeding getaway truck. He has what it takes to make tough decisions, all about the task at hand. He’s also a guy who can wear many hats. Criminal one minute, friendly amusement park CEO the next, and then still has time to get awards as a “Community Leader” who donates to Cops. This man was Gustavo Fring before Gustavo Fring was Gustavo Fring. Breaking Bad might as well send the creators of Ellis Dewald a royalty check. Just swap “Los Pollos Hermanos” for fucking Wonder World and they’re the same guy! He even shot Uncle Dave, Wonder Worlds founder. Dewald always keeps cool no matter what. Axel Foley and cops show up to Wonder World to look around and investigate, he could give a shit less, he’s like “Go ahead and search. It ain’t shit to me because I already switched the printers so it looks like we’re printing carnival coupons instead of counterfeit dollars.” Always one step ahead, the very essence of America.
Now I’m a realist, he can’t do it without a cabinet. Again, this would be short term. Dewald would surround himself with only the best. Cabinet would be as follows:
Vice President would hands down be Philip Stuckey, the bad guy from Pretty Woman. (Played by Jason Alexander).This guy basically ran the M&A market in the 80′s, second to only Gordon Gekko. Yeah, I know he crossed the line by forcing himself on Vivian, but even Richard Gere knew Phil was talented. “You like the kill Philip!” The guy was willing to work 24/7 and was loyal as shit to Richard Gere.
Secretary Of State would be Stanley Kirk Burrell better known as MC Hammer. Why? Let me answer your question with a question. Post WWII, was there ever a time America was more loved than in 1991? Cold War had just ended year and half before, we sent Saddam running from Kuwait, Home Alone was crushing movie rental records, and of course MC Hammer was touring the earth. Hammer was a beloved US ambassador, didn’t matter where he went they showered him with rose pedals and women. He’d just zip around stage in his Aladdin pants and everyone loved America. What better person to bring those days back?
Secretary Of Defense is where things get weird. Just stay with me on this one. Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs. Nobody is fucking with America if Buffalo Bill is in charge of the response to an attack. Can you imagine the interrogation program under this dude? You think some Taliban prisoner or high level terror suspect is going to last 5 minutes in a room with Buffalo Bill doing that creepy man vagina dance to 80′s new wave music with all his fucked up mannequins in the room? Bin Laden would have have cracked the minute Buffalo Bill tossed him that lotion to put on. We’ll save a fortune on defense spending.
Dewald has a soft spot for seniors, so he’d appoint a special “Senior Ambassador” to help the elderly. We all know that man would be Henry Winkler. What’s more American than the Fonze? He’ll throw that Brown old leather bomber jacket on and throw everyone over the age of 60 into a reverse mortgage. BOOM
With Captain Dewald at the helm, America might just sail the high seas with pride again.
A.L
Fus In Bello 