A difficult, yet necessary part of friendship is preventing our friends from engaging in destructive/awkward/illegal behavior that could potentially ruin their lives. Maybe you have to stop a friend from stalking some girl, no matter how convinced he is that he’s “Just loving her from a distance”. Other times you may have to drag him out of the bar before the Suge Knight looking dude he just challenged to a brawl takes him up on his offer. It’s just part of life. I have no doubt that President Obama genuinely cares about Vice President Biden, they’re clearly very good friends. We know they’re boys, we know they spend tons of time together, so what is Obama waiting for? Mr.President, you need to sit Biden down and just get this shit over with. You take him in a room and just rip the band aid off. Look him right in the eyes and say “Joe, look…frankly you’re scaring the shit out of everyone.” Biden can’t help himself, he has to touch, whisper, and close-talk at all costs. “Oh, you’re a biker, that’s cool. I’m going to just sit next to you and freak on your biker wife briefly while whispering names of BBQ restaurants that may or may not be code for biker sex positions.” I think Biden is a great guy and his creepy whisper-shoulder touch game is a proper. Unfortunately, I think it’s a little toooooooo proper for some people.
Before I address this, I need to be up front about my long held desire to obtain a pet Kangaroo. I’ve spent years fantasizing about how awesome it would be to have a pet Kangaroo, anyone who knows me can back me up. I’ve scoured black market sites, Craigslist, corrupt zookeepers on the internet, you name it. I completely get the lure of having a pet Roo.
Ok, we’re done with the full disclosure part of this piece. So many issues with this story to address….
#1- I‘m sympathetic to the whole “Therapy Companion” angle, I really am. However, this woman needs to consider the gravity of the situation. This is McDonald’s in Wisconsin where the staff is probably ready for wild shit to go down at any moment to begin with! You’re just going to roll in with a young Kangaroo dressed like fucking Paddington Bear and then act surprised when people are nervous? Me personally, I could care less I’d buy him a drink, but this is the Midwest, people aren’t ready for a Kangaroo ordering off the dollar menu. They can barely handle Two Women/Dudes holding hands.
#2- Apparently people complained and had the police called. There’s no mention of the animal misbehaving or getting out of line in the place. To start, it’s McDonald’s, are you really going to tell me that this Kangaroo was the worst thing to happen to them? Over the years, look back on how many scumbags, barbarians, homeless people, drug addicts, and washed up celebs have strolled into McDonald’s. You have to be a real douche to complain about a Kangaroo in a sweater and diaper minding his own business….especially when the lady shows her doctors note. This lady takes him to the movies! If he can sit through Taken 3 and not bother anyone you’re telling me he cant sit in the booth next to you while you eat your MSG laced Fries and GMO Big Mac????
#3- The irony here is that while the Americans With Disabilities Act says service animals are limited to Dogs and “Miniature Horses”, Wisconsin is known to make exceptions for “Other” animals. So you can bring a mini-horse into a place, but not a mild mannered Kangaroo in a diaper?
Chaos in Ukraine. Mideast tensions. Iranian nuclear standoff. Putin on the march. Economy limping along. In times like these, we need to think outside the box. I’ll often catch myself thinking of endless scenarios and ideas but then I stop and just smile because I know I’m kidding myself. I already know the answer. There’s only one man who can fix all this and that man is Ellis Dewald, the bad guy from Beverly Hills Cop III.
This wouldn’t be permanent, just a short term emergency administration that would dissolve once things are fixed. The Dewald choice isn’t without controversy, yet even his negatives are positives. The guy ran a counterfeiting operation inside the family amusement park Wonder World and used it as front to launder dirty money from various criminal enterprises. Morally wrong? Absolutely. Ethical? No chance. Creative and ambitious? You bet your ass! A go getter in every sense. Getting chased by Axel Foley after killing his Captain, he worried? Never blinks, never wavers, and on top of it he throws one of his own dudes out of the speeding getaway truck. He has what it takes to make tough decisions, all about the task at hand. He’s also a guy who can wear many hats. Criminal one minute, friendly amusement park CEO the next, and then still has time to get awards as a “Community Leader” who donates to Cops. This man was Gustavo Fring before Gustavo Fring was Gustavo Fring. Breaking Bad might as well send the creators of Ellis Dewald a royalty check. Just swap “Los Pollos Hermanos” for fucking Wonder World and they’re the same guy! He even shot Uncle Dave, Wonder Worlds founder. Dewald always keeps cool no matter what. Axel Foley and cops show up to Wonder World to look around and investigate, he could give a shit less, he’s like “Go ahead and search. It ain’t shit to me because I already switched the printers so it looks like we’re printing carnival coupons instead of counterfeit dollars.” Always one step ahead, the very essence of America.
Now I’m a realist, he can’t do it without a cabinet. Again, this would be short term. Dewald would surround himself with only the best. Cabinet would be as follows:
Vice President would hands down be Philip Stuckey, the bad guy from Pretty Woman. (Played by Jason Alexander).This guy basically ran the M&A market in the 80′s, second to only Gordon Gekko. Yeah, I know he crossed the line by forcing himself on Vivian, but even Richard Gere knew Phil was talented. “You like the kill Philip!” The guy was willing to work 24/7 and was loyal as shit to Richard Gere.
Secretary Of State would be Stanley Kirk Burrell better known as MC Hammer. Why? Let me answer your question with a question. Post WWII, was there ever a time America was more loved than in 1991? Cold War had just ended year and half before, we sent Saddam running from Kuwait, Home Alone was crushing movie rental records, and of course MC Hammer was touring the earth. Hammer was a beloved US ambassador, didn’t matter where he went they showered him with rose pedals and women. He’d just zip around stage in his Aladdin pants and everyone loved America. What better person to bring those days back?
Secretary Of Defense is where things get weird. Just stay with me on this one. Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs. Nobody is fucking with America if Buffalo Bill is in charge of the response to an attack. Can you imagine the interrogation program under this dude? You think some Taliban prisoner or high level terror suspect is going to last 5 minutes in a room with Buffalo Bill doing that creepy man vagina dance to 80′s new wave music with all his fucked up mannequins in the room? Bin Laden would have have cracked the minute Buffalo Bill tossed him that lotion to put on. We’ll save a fortune on defense spending.
Dewald has a soft spot for seniors, so he’d appoint a special “Senior Ambassador” to help the elderly. We all know that man would be Henry Winkler. What’s more American than the Fonze? He’ll throw that Brown old leather bomber jacket on and throw everyone over the age of 60 into a reverse mortgage. BOOM
With Captain Dewald at the helm, America might just sail the high seas with pride again.
Political junkies everywhere have their eye on the Texas gubernatorial race between rising Democratic star Wendy Davis and Texas Attorney General Gregg Abbott, the Republican . I’m going to get into the campaign stuff, but first I need to address something more important…
After several days of extremely deep thought followed by alcohol consumption I can only come to one conclusion…I’m madly in love with Wendy Davis. She doesn’t play games, went to Harvard, a skilled public speaker, and not to mention she’s more than just “government hot”.
Government Hot:Someone who is hotconsidering they’re a government official. Example would be Sarah Palin. In ordinary life, maybe she has some librarian swag with extra appeal of being an Eskimo snow warrior princess, but really just average in normal society.
Wendy is actually pretty, not just for government, but in general.Add in the brains plus that Cindy Crawford thing she has going on with the beauty mark and it’s on. The issue for me is, I obviously have zero chance, but for laughs I try to figure out the kind of shit I’d have to pull off to woo Wendy Davis. So many scenarios. Maybe she walks into Starbucks in Houston, I just happen to be there and I’m just in rare form like White linen suit, White Keds, White on White everything, and I just blow through the NY Times crossword puzzle in like -5 seconds on the spot. I feel like that’s a situation I could make an impression. With her brains and charisma, she’s not settling for Caramel Macchiato and a smile. I’d have to do something bold, like do one of those trapeze camps on a cruise, but instead of wearing a safety harness for my first time I just fucking do it, no safety harness, no nothing. Maybe I just walk into a fundraiser, don’t say shit to anyone, pick up a golden trumpet without a single lesson, and just absolutely crush like 20 sheets of music uninterrupted. Back to business.This thing has really turned into an old fashioned, mean spirited, anything goes race. How nasty you ask?
Davis has been accused by Abbott supporters of exaggerating her rags to riches story as a single mom going to Harvard. Then there’s the video that shows Davis supporters mocking Abbot who is paralyzed in a wheelchair. A Davis supporter is heard saying “I’m really wondering how this is going to work out, since he’s in a wheelchair and most of the slogans are ‘Stand with Wendy””. It gets worse. There are now conspiracy theory groups that are actually suggesting Abbott is not really paraplegic and that it’s a scam, even though he’s been confined to a wheelchair for 30 years. Apparently Abbott had an oak tree crash down on him while jogging, leaving him paralyzed…which is an absolutely insane way to get paralyzed. The only thing that really comes close is Superman because Christopher Reeves getting thrown off a horse was nuts. I remember being a kid and being in denial for like 3 years that Superman could be fucking paralyzed. The thought of Superman being paraplegic was so mind-blowing to me that I think I just shut down emotionally. Anyway, now we have “Boats & Hoes”-Gate. Long story short a consulting group linked to Abbott started a PAC called “Boats And Hoes”. Just sit back for a minute and enjoy that. The GOP, who has said over and over that they need win over Women, has to deal with a PAC called “Boats And Hoes” being exposed. Just wow. I mean, hey, at least they didn’t make any rape jokes. Politico said the name of the PAC “might be a possible reference to the movie “Step Brothers”. Might? I 1000% guarantee you it’s a reference to Step Brothers. Come on Politico, don’t think too hard or you’ll shit your pants.
A.L.
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Fus In Bello 