Would You Drown In Shit For Your Wifes Phone? This Chinese Dude Says 100% . He’s Dead Now.

I‘ve been a little hard on Japan in a few of my posts, so in the interest of fairness I’m going to pick on China now. China is one of those places where life is cheap, so not much surprises me when it comes to crazy China stories. Lead contaminated toys for kids, toxic Dog treats for pets, gas masks to walk outside, they’ve got it all. Just when the Chinese couldn’t show any less regard for their own safety they go and top themselves. That’s why I love you China, you keep me on my toes.

China just outdid itself with this guy. His wife drops her phone in the toilet and he decides he’s going to get it for her. Before I go further, I need to point out how awesome it is some Chinese woman had her phone while using the toilet. This shows there is in fact hope for a peaceful coexistence between our nations. They’re just like us. The Chinese are just as incapable of shitting without their phone as we Americans are. Now, when you think “No big deal she dropped it in the toilet”, consider that we aren’t talking about some standard toilet, we’re talking about one of those Slumdog Millionaire style shit boxes. An “Open Pit” toilet. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. He leaned in to find the phone but never had a chance, he was no match for the stench. This guy passed out from the smell and fell in. Then his mother, yes, his mother, went in for him. Would your mother dive into a pool of diarrhea for you? Don’t kid yourself, love has limits…except in China. To top it off, Six other people jumped in after them.

The kid in Slumdog Millionaire gets a pass because he dove in to retrieve an autograph of his idol, a prized possession. The little kid in Schindlers List hid in a shit box because Nazis were after him, he gets a pass, no question. A $320 phone? No way man, it’s just not happening, I don’t care if my wife is Bar Rafaeli or Selenza Gomez. Tell you what though, Charles Darwin was definitely onto something.

http://nypost.com/2014/06/08/two-die-in-toilet-while-looking-for-dropped-cell-phone/

http://fox6now.com/2014/06/09/two-dead-several-injured-after-woman-drops-phone-into-toilet/

 

 

 

 

Sex Horse Is Coming For Your Wife And There’s Nothing You Can Do

sexualpony

Do you love your wife? If you answered “Yes” then you’d be wise pay very close attention to this photo and take a long hard look at that face. Why? It’s the face of the guy who’s going to fuck your wife right out from under you. Sex Horse.  Remember his luxurious dirty Blonde mane…. it’s the mane that will turn your wedding vows to ashes. He’s banned from traveling to Belgium, a married woman sharing a simple gaze with him will get her stoned to death for adultery in Saudi Arabia, he wrecked several Hollywood  marriages and ghost wrote an album for R  Kelly. He lives in world of secrets, mostly sexual ones.

During the day society looks down on him, he’s a horse. What’s the highlight of his day, consuming agriculture, getting verbally abused by drunken farmers, being fitted with metallic shoes against his will? However, he’s more than happy to endure such treatment since he knows the night belongs to him and so does your wife. While you’re boarding that late night flight on business, he’s doing his grocery shopping. Shopping is easy for him since his list has just 3 things on it: 1) Condoms 2) Pantene Pro-V 2 in 1 Shampoo/Conditioner 3) Can of Red Bull.

He’s the Fabio of the animal kingdom, galloping about with that quiet confidence and only one thing on his mind. You might not hesitate to introduce him to your wife at a cocktail party, but you’d simply be making the same mistake made by many men that came before you. Once she looks into his eyes, she belongs to him. You stand zero chance against his blank stare, natural muscular definition, perfect hair, and sexual mechanics. To make matters worse, you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you were taking care of business he’d be out of business. He listens to your wife read her stupid poems to him, the ones that you don’t have time for. He DVR’s the Real Housewives Reunion so they can compare notes, not because he gives a shit, but because he knows he’s going to star in “50 Shades Of Neyyyyyyyyy” once you leave the fucking house for your kids softball game. When he told you he couldn’t play poker because he was playing tennis with a friend, the “friend” was your wife and the “tennis” was acrobatic marathon sex. Not only does he know what she wants before you do, he knows what she wants before she does. Take her for granted at your own peril for she is yours only while she isn’t his.

Sex Horse spent years in the barn just studying the Kama Sutra, lifting weights, and memorizing dialogue from every romantic comedy of the 1990s. He taught himself how to play the violin at age 4 because he was bored. When he comes walking down a suburban street, your street perhaps, the tapping of his shoes on the concrete is all it takes to bring the ladies out so fast you’d think the ice cream man was passing an elementary school. It’s not a matter of fairness, it’s just how Sex Horse lives. On any given night, if the air pressure is low, the oceans are calm, the crickets are quiet,  maybe…..just maybe….you can hear Sex Horse having a smash-a-thon. Think twice before you mock him gentlemen.

There are two types of wives in this world, the ones who’ve been banged by Sex Horse and the ones who are going to be banged by Sex Horse.

 ALSO CHECK OUT: http://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/japan-has-a-penis-festival-parade-because-of-course-it-does/

Jenga Cat Can Take Anyone Anywhere Anytime

Jenga Cat is to Jenga what Bobby Fisher was to Chess. Period. End of story. This cat not only knows how to play Jenga, he’s extremely aggressive. None of that safe piece bullshit, he goes right for the bottom and does it without breaking a sweat. Now look, I haven’t played Jenga since Bill Clinton was President, but I know a master when I see one. Jenga requires an individual who can play fearless, you need COMPLETE control over your body and mind.  I’ve seen Jenga make cowards of the bravest of men and this cat comes in and just says “Fuck it I’ll take the most dangerous piece in this bitch and politely wait my turn even though you took two turns like a punk”.

Just imagine the possibilities. We’re only getting a glimpse into this dudes world. He lives with this cat who’s a champion Jenga player, but I want to know what else this cat can do. I’m not even joking at this point. If he can be trained to play Jenga like a gentleman with another human, then I’m all in. This guy should be arrested and interrogated until he explains how he trained this thing. This Cat probably does his taxes and is his designated driver after karaoke night. Who knows, maybe he can be used to further the human cause. I’m not saying I’d trust this cat to perform non invasive knee surgery on me, but I’d let him give me directions on vacation or fix me a drink.

 

Japan Has A Penis Festival Parade…Because Of Course It Does

The last piece on the Japanese Hamster craze was mostly well received, yet some claimed it was mocking and in bad taste. Why you would come to this blog for political correctness as opposed to MSNBC is baffling. Japanese people are taking photos of the rear ends of Hamsters and sharing them with the world and I’m supposed to not write about it? I’ll make a deal with you guys, I’ll stop writing crazy Japanese stories when Japan stops giving me a reason to write them. However, the prospects for that happening in the near future are quite poor.

If you told me that two days after writing a story about a Japanese Hamster craze I’d come across a story about a Japanese penis festival, I’d say you were fucking with me…..but I’d be wrong. There is in fact 100% a Japanese penis worshiping festival, with a massive parade, ceremonies, and all sorts of entertainment. So what am I supposed to do? I just pretend I don’t know this exists and go on doing Game Of Thrones recaps in Microsoft Paint and writing satire about spoiled rabbits and racist soccer coaches??? 

In a nutshell (No pun intended) this festival is called Kanamara Matsuri  (“Festival of the Steel Phallus”).  According to wikipedia :

“The Kanamara Matsuri is centered around a local penis-venerating shrine once popular among prostitutes who wished to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases.[6] It is said that there are also divine protections for business prosperity and for the clan’s prosperity; and for easy delivery, marriage, and married-couple harmony. There is also a legend of a sharp-toothed demon (vagina dentata) that hid inside the vagina of a young woman and castrated two young men on their wedding nights.[7] As a result, the young woman sought help from a blacksmith, who fashioned an iron phallus to break the demon’s teeth, which led to the enshrinement of the item.[8]“

penisfestival

Got all that folks? So we’ve got a shrine to a steel penis that broke the teeth of a demon inside a vagina, a penis that slayed a vagina monster. The footage from the festival is nuts. They’ve got tourists in penis hats, penis lollipops, there’s wooden penis benches, penis songs,  penis statues, anything you can imagine really just add a penis. Remember when you were a little kid at Disney World and there were people walking around dressed up like Mickey Mouse? They have something similar, but instead of Daffy Duck it’s a dick. Long story short, if you’re traveling in Japan during the month of April and are looking for the Woodstock of penis, boy have you come to the right place!

I’m not mean spirited, I write with zero malice in my heart, but I’ll be damned if I miss a chance to write about a Japanese penis parade. Ball is in your court Japan, your move.

 

Additional photos on Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/04/07/japans-penis-festival-kanamara-matsuri-pictures_n_5104065.html

ALSO CHECK OUT:http://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/japan-is-currently-swept-up-in-national-obsession-with-photos-of-hamster-ass/

 

 

 

Japan Is Currently Swept Up In National Obsession With Photos Of Hamster Ass

Let’s be honest, the Japanese have always been a little out there. Whether it’s Nazi concentration camp themed bars or their crazy sadomasochistic game shows, we know how it goes down in Japan. Therefore it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Japan is currently caught up in Hamster ass fever. Yes,  the Japanese are hypnotized by the rear ends of Hamsters.

Japanese citizens are taking photos of Hamsters in a variety of positions as well as placing them in all sorts of locations, using a million different props, then sending them to each other. If you can think of it, they’ve got a Hamster with his ass sticking out of it, on it, in it or with it. This thing can go on forever and may have a longer shelf life than the disco craze of the 70’s, mainly because there’s no limit to where you can place a Hamster. They’ve got them climbing into mini pumpkins, on top of teddy bears, in hands, and on tables etc etc etc. This has even inspired a Facebook page called “Hameketsu” ( Japanese for Hamster rear end) as well as a book.

hamster

Think about that, demand and interest regarding photos of Hamster butts is great enough to warrant making a book. One guy even sent in a video of a hamster eating a noodle while the theme song to the movie “Police Academy” played in the background. We’re talking about an all out-no holds barred-gloves off Hamster ass worship fiesta. I don’t know if it’s the radiation from the Fukishima reactor or the two big ones we dropped during WW2, but clearly this country has lost control of it’s mind.

https://www.facebook.com/hamu.ketsu

hamster2

 

ALSO CHECK OUT THE INFAMOUS SEX HORSE: http://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/sex-horse-is-coming-for-your-wife-and-theres-nothing-you-can-do/

 

 

This One Village Provides India With All It’s Doormen/Bouncers

Just outside Dehli in a small village in India, one man runs a community where everyone has only one thing on their mind….become a bouncer. He’s basically training a super army of Indian bouncers up in the hills.

While India goes about it’s business, these guys are running around blind folded karate kicking each other, climbing ropes in their fucking underwear, wrestling each other for hours, non stop combat and conditioning. I don’t know what you ate for breakfast but I know what these guys ate…same thing they ate for lunch….same thing they ate for dinner. 100 gallons of milk, 10 sticks of butter, 100 lbs of meat, and about 50 apples. While people in India are going to the market, doing their thing, these guys are up in the hills punching each other in the face and doing  wheelbarrow races in thong bikinis. One bouncer reflected on the Indian bouncer struggle: “Sometimes people get drunk and abuse us. They come from influential families and it becomes very difficult to control them. Then we must use force” 

indiabouncers

When a young boy in India comes to the conclusion his destiny is to be a bouncer, he goes straight to this village for monk like isolation. Reminds me of Batman Begins when Christian Bale is living in the frozen mountains being trained by the League Of Shadows and Liam Neeson.

indiabouncers2

If  the films Slumdog Millionaire and Roadhouse had a baby, this clip would be it:

 

ALSO CHECK OUT: http://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/04/29/this-romanian-soccer-team-owner-makes-donald-sterling-look-like-a-civil-rights-activist/

 

 

 

 

The Real Van Wilder Will Have His Own Stamp One Day

It was nearly Eleven years ago that Van Wilder filled the heads of millions of men with ” What could have been?” type fantasies about college. That movie came out and our imaginations just ran wild with possibilities. This guy Bert Kreischer who was the inspiration for Van Wilder may have figured out the key to American success. Let’s review. While at FSU, he had two Junior years, two Senior years, pretty doing nothing but running around naked and consuming borderline fatal quantities of alcohol. He did the exact opposite of everything he was ever told to do. He thought frats were superficial and lame, so he gave nude speeches at their meetings and shit on the desks of frat leaders, in front of them. He didn’t seek out fame or riches, just partied non stop and Rolling Stone magazine  shows up all on it’s own simply because every student asked said “Talk to Bert” when they were doing a piece on FSU. You just put this guys name on a flyer at the FSU cafeteria and thousands of people were a lock to show, didn’t matter what kind of party or who was throwing it. Imagine that kind of power.

He was a deadbeat student, gave zero effort, did everything in his power to destroy his future and health, doing nothing but what he wanted and where is he now? Well, in any other country he’d be dead, in jail, or sharing a sublet in the East Village with Lindsay Lohan and that Canadian crack-head Mayor. Fortunately for Bert Kreischer, this is America. He’s got a book deal, he’s a stand up comic, and he’s had a movie made about him. His life is littered with all sorts of insane encounters like crying on Whitney Houston at a dental office, smoking weed with Tracy Morgan who then told him it was PCP to bug him out,  just nonstop absurdity. Only in America.

Original piece in NYPOST: http://nypost.com/2014/05/19/the-real-life-van-wilder-reveals-a-life-of-drinking-and-debauchery/

Also check out: http://fusinbello.wordpress.com/2014/04/29/this-romanian-soccer-team-owner-makes-donald-sterling-look-like-a-civil-rights-activist/